It started with very small things. “You laugh too loud, it makes me feel ashamed”, “I think you should do it like this”, “Why did you do this again, I told you that I don’t like it”. At this point in time I should have packed my stuff and should have left – but I didn’t. I tried to accomplish a mission. The mission to please someone who never deserved me in the first place. I adjusted to the things he did not like about me.
It continued with more. “I don’t like the way you dress”, “I can’t understand why you always act like this”, “You still do not understand that the way you do this is not acceptable, why do you keep doing it?”. Again..I hadn’t taken the chance to leave when it started with small things, so I was already kind of used to adjusting. So I kept doing it.
Trying to meet the needs of someone who apparently wants to build a robot is impossible to achieve.
He noticed that he had a grip on my emotional state.
The next steps got more and more personal. “Because you are the way you are, you don’t have friends. The few people you have in your life will leave you. You don’t deserve them”, “Be happy that I am with you, nobody else would want to be with a person like you”, “You are totally worthless”.
The crazy part is, that if you reached this state, you don’t have any energy left to fight back anymore. You don’t realize anymore who you are as you changed so much during the months and years. You run after something you will never achieve. But you are too dependant to stand up against it. So you let it happen. Every new fight and each and every insult that follows hits you deep in your core. Directly in your heart.
A while after all of this started I felt worthless. Not worthy of friendship, not worthy of love, not worthy of luck or joy. Reaching that point is pure despair and the worst is, that your mind starts to believe all those false concepts that someone else have put in your head. It broke me completely. Even now, years after all this I am still fighting to gain back my true self.
For me as an empath it’s very difficult to let those emotions and feelings not get close to me. I kind of absorb them as a sponge. They hit deep and it feels as if those things cling to your heart with hooks as deep as the ocean. I do not only hear words people use. I feel them in my body. I do not only feel the words that are spoken but also the words left unspoken. It is simply not possible to simply wipe it away. When it hits, then it hits deep. It ripped my heart and soul in pieces.
I am lucky to say that I do not have people in my life any longer that do not have the best intention for me. I had to select who is allowed to stay in my life and who is not. This process was very painful but I had to make a choice. Between collecting the broken pieces of myself or losing the rest that is left.
Right now, I am writing a new chapter in my life. I have made the right choices and now it’s time to find the broken pieces and to include them again exactly where they were before. Doing this process alone is possibly the safest way. Although it doesn’t work this way..
I am busy since a while to fix myself and perfectly in time the one special person showed up in my life and shows me how to love again. It’s wonderful, but it’s hard as well. When you know how broken you are inside then there is no way that you want to hurt the one that gives you so much love. It’s strange how those false concepts which I mentioned earlier trick your mind. All of a sudden someone comes and tells you nice things. They tell you how much they love you and how wonderful you are and your mind starts to fight against it. I heard for years that I am not good enough and now I should believe that a wonderful human being will simply love me exactly the way I am? Exactly the way I was before all that brainwashing started. The person who was rejected for years for some specific reasons should believe to be loved for exactly the rejected reasons? How could that be possible? There needs to be something.. why did I hear all those things for years then?
Finding the courage to stand up at this moment and to be ready to be the infinite being you are meant to be seems at this point so scary. How would other people think if I am all of a sudden proud of who and what I am? What I have accomplished? Am I allowed to be proud of my flaws?
The crystal clear answer is YES.
Not a single human being in this universe has the right to change another human being. We are all unique. We all have flaws. Mostly the people who want to change you have the most flaws somehow. Maybe I should’t even call it flaws. It’s more about insecurities. What they need is deep emotional healing, but they would never ever show that they simply need healing. It’s way easier to make people around them adjust – so their own insecurities will not be noticed.
If you have the chance to experience unconditional love as I do from this point on, then simply take the compliments you receive and place them where the false concepts are hooked in your heart. You will start to question yourself and it will again crush your world because you cannot understand how someone who acted as if they loved you could break your being in such a way in the past. We all have matching souls wandering around in this universe. Those amazing people will love us for who we really are. We will never have to change for them. They will simply be there and never leave again. Cherish them. Be thankful to have found them. Trust in yourself and let nobody ever change any aspect of your being.
Making adjustments to your personality for someone else is simply not worth it. Maybe it gives you some peaceful hours, but in the long run, you lose yourself and fixing this can be quiet challenging.
Stay true to yourself!
Love is the highest vibration in this universe and love will show you the way to find yourself again. Like it did with me.
I am more than thankful to have found the person that loves me. As I am. Pure. Thank you for seeing my flaws as features. Thank you for being by my side.. in darkness and light!
I am thankful to have found familymembers that aren’t biologically connected with me and of course the ones which are. You light up my life!
I am blessed with lovely people in my life. Without them I would have never found my true self again.
My true self.. which is the most precious thing I can call my own.
Lots of love,