It happens from time to time. Your whole world is turned upside down. During this process the biggest risk is to lose yourself. There is so much to lose.. but what when you lose yourself? What is left after you lost yourself? I found myself lately in the process of losing myself, so I asked myself the question: Who am I actually? What is the essence of my being? Lets start from the beginning:
I am a woman. Although I have never been and will never be a girly girl I am actually a woman. I might not know everything about hairstyles, makeup and clothes. I am not the right one to tell you which bag fits to which shoes or jacket but I am a woman..with all my heart and soul.
I am 32 years old. At least that’s what my ID card says. As a kid I never acted like the actual age I was. As a grown up I sometimes feel like a kid. I can be totally childish and I am actually proud of it. Sometimes I feel as if I’m really old. When all your bones are cracking after a long day and all you wanna do is to get some rest. Regarding my soulage I am very old, lived many lifes and experienced a lot. I am somehow different. I have always been and I will always be.
I am orginally German. This is also something that my ID card says. What does it say about me? Absolutely freaking nothing. I don’t feel as if I belong to any country. I am a human (in this life). I am a part of this universe. I have always been and I will always be a part of it.
I consider myself as funny. Well.. that’s what I think. In my head the things sound funny.. not everyone thinks about it the same, but as soon as I find someone who understands my sense of humour then there are unlimited fun times guaranteed.
I have passion inside me. I love music. I love singing and dancing. I love life and I love love. The feeling of giving love and caring for someone gives me pure energy. Those are the moments I feel the strongest. It feels like spreading my wings and being able to climb the highest mountains. Helping someone in need makes my entire being vibrate at a such high level and simply makes me happy.
I came into this life without the ability to see images in my head. My mind’s eye is blind. But therefore all other senses are very intense. I think in feelings. Believe me. This does not make life easy. I lost a lot due to this. People simply do not understand my way of thinking. Some do not have the patience to explain me their viewpoints and some simply cannot handle the sensitivity that this way of thinking includes.
The additional gift of being an empath and feeling everything from everyone around you makes it a dangerous mix. The chance that other people cannot or do not want to deal with you on this deep level is pretty high.
I experienced a lot of failures and difficult times in my life. I have hit rockbottom many times. I stood up again and kept fighting – always until the end. I am not someone who gives up. I fight for what I believe in. I fight for what I love. No matter how long it takes or how tough the battle would get. Through those kind of things you also start to build a wall around you. A protection wall that keeps away bad thoughtpatterns or influences that would create a crack in your hopes and dreams. Someone who really knows you will see that this is to protect your essence. That this is the only thing that keeps you strong and full of hope when everything else seems to fall apart. People who do not look closely enough will see you as being hard, harsh, arrogant or naive. This could not be further from the truth. I have been told all these things. Yes, sometimes I seem hard, but if you look closer, you would see how broken and sensitive I am while standing strong with my heart pounding in my chest to accomplish what I believe in. Like a flower that managed to grow through a sidewalk and simply needs to be watered instead of being stepped on.
People often want to know the future. Believe me, it’s not that easy to know the future and to see at the same time that the light at the end of the tunnel is covered by something you cannot get a grip on. All you have is your inner knowing and your feelings. Also this is a part of me. Like I said: No freaking way to put a sticker or label on me. It’s simply not possible.
When I came into this life I brought something wonderful with me. A pure heart. I know that this is one of my worthiest belongings, although often it seems as the biggest burdon of all. When I love, I love with all I am. All I have ever been and all I will ever be. I love with my whole heart and soul. No matter what. I am not able to see negativity in someone I love. Because I do not realize that it is something negative. My empath ability supports this feature. I feel why someone is doing something and because I am able to feel this I can understand it and I will be shown on a feeling level why this is helping the other person to grow. So in fact.. I see it as something which is to be loved about that person. To be honest, I don’t even expect that someone understands my way of thinking.
In the end I came to the following conclusion:
I am far from perfect. I can be a pain in the ass. But I am worth it. I am pure. I have endless and unconditional love to give. I am not a girly girl, but a strong grown up woman who likes to wear her hair short, not because it would fit to a lifestyle but because I love it. I am a fighter, a dreamer, a sleepy koala from time to time. I will never fit into a label or category and I do not even want to or will ever try to. I am someone who will try everyday her best to show the meaningful people in my life how special, adorable, beautiful, wonderful and perfect they are. I will always watch about my dear ones and will never let someone down I love. I keep promises – lifelong. Not because I am naive. I am sensitive and sometimes a total mess in my head and heart. But you know what. It’s totally fine. Because I am what I am.
So.. who are you?
Lots of love,